The problem with most relationships is that men don’t use their brains before they speak. Some women will say most men don’t use their brains at all. I’m afraid I can’t argue with that; besides, that would mean I would have used my brain.
Recent studies have shown that women, on the other hand, not only use their brains, but they actually use both sides of their brains.
Guys, let’s face it — this puts all of us at a great disadvantage. So how can we tip the scales back in our favor, you might ask? That’s where I come in – I’ve made a list.
Over the years I’ve found out that if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s making a To Do list. The Wife would say that I’m also good at making a mess. Not cleaning up around the house. Leaving dirty laundry lying around and not making the bed “just so” with the eight pillows placed “just right.”
Like I said, I’m great at writing down what I must do. I’m just not so great at the doing part. But the important thing is I have a list.
There is a long litany of things you shouldn’t utter to your significant other. If you want to keep a happy marriage, that is. So since all of us Neanderthals are in this together and we have a moral obligation to stand together to help each other out, I have decided to share a few of the time-tested things not to say.
It’s all in hopes that in doing so, somehow, I may help to keep some of my fellow cavemen out of hot water. Unlike me, right after I said them.
And don’t worry, it will be easy to learn what to avoid saying. You won’t even have to use half your brain or strain anything; I’ve taken all the thinking out of it. All you have to do is read off of my list.
The Wife said the other day that she was going to get a haircut, the first one in two months. Without thinking, I said, “That’s nice, Honey. You’ll be cute again.”
Ya know; just before I say stupid things, I usually hear a voice in my head warning me not to. My voice I named Joe. And as long as I listen to Joe, he keeps me out of a lot of trouble.
Unfortunately, Joe must have been asleep at the time of my latest comment, but he did wake up right afterwards, just in time to scream, “Run, stupid!”
Weight is always a touchy subject for the lady folks, even if she is only 90 pounds and has to be held down if the wind blows hard.
If your wife or girlfriend asks your opinion after saying that she needs to join a gym because she’s gained a few pounds, don’t say you think it’s a good idea. Instead, tell her she looks fine and then take her out to the local ice cream place for a double scoop of Chunky Chocolate Monkey — at least that’s what Joe says.
If you happen to be on vacation, lying on the snow-white powder beaches of Panama City Beach, Fla., soaking up the sun and sights that walk by, your wife may ask, “Honey, did you see that girl? Her bathing suit was so skimpy; it didn’t leave much to the imagination.”
The wrong answer is to smile and reply, “Sure did.” The correct answer is to tell her she’s the prettiest thing on the beach, grab a bottle of suntan lotion and start spreading it on her back.
This action accomplishes two things; you score points with her for being so thoughtful, and you can still watch the girl as she walks on by.
If you’re eating dinner out with friends and one of the waitresses comes over, touches your shoulder, smiles, calls you by name, then walks away, you will soon realize that you are in hot water once again.
Especially when you hear a voice that’s not coming from inside your head asking, “So, just who was that?”
It’s not a good idea to tell the owner of that sweet voice sitting next to you that the waitress was someone you dated long ago.
Just tell her that you knew the waitress years before ... before the operation. Her name at that time was Bill. You can also mention something about a club foot.
Trust me — she’ll believe you. Who could make up such a good story on the spot?
Warning: any clothing your wife or girlfriend buys for you, as far as you’re concerned, looks great. No way should you tell her that you hate them, especially since she spent all day shopping to get that right look just for you.
And if she happens to unwrap one of the packages and pulls out a pink shirt, don’t say that you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it. She just might oblige you.
Besides, don’t you watch those designer shows on TV? This year, for men, pink is the new black.
So for all of you out there who don’t hear someone like Joe in your head that keeps you from saying stupid stuff, I have one other word of advice. Just shut up!
Well, I guess that’s really three words, but like my Dad use to say, “Son, if you don’t know what to say, then just don’t say anything at all.”
He must have known what he was talking about – he was happily married for over 33 years. I think his head voice was named Fred.
As for me, you’ll be seeing around town real soon, wearing my new pink shirt The Wife bought me last week.
Yes, sir! I’m secure with my masculinity, and if you ask me, I’ll tell you that I love pink shirts. Least, that’s what Joe told me to say.
Rick Ryckeley, who lives in Senoia, has been a firefighter for more than two decades and a columnist for The Citizen since 2001. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org